Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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