How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize