11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize