Umm I'm too high to move.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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