I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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