Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
