just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize