not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
