I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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