How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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