Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
