That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I looked at my own cervix.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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