Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
