Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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