I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
