It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
