Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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