So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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