Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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