the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Congratulations! We have a period
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