You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
