Your face is a jimmy john
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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