and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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