FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
