You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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