We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
