Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
