why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
