apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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