successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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