I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
