Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
