My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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