I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
