FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
