That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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