Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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