TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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