i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I need to stop coming to work sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
