Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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