dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just made my gag reflex go away.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
