My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
