Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
