Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
third nipple confirmed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
