just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
