so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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