I checked into jail on foursquare
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize