I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
