I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
