I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
