woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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