I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
