I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
