i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
