dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i don't like sucking hair
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
