I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
