I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
