I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
