Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
