Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
