imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
