do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
