I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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