I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
