Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize