Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
