allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
