If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
