Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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